By Brianna Patt
In an op-ed by Neffer Kerr titled, “Strong & Silent: Breaking the Stigma of Abuse Because Black
Men Are Victims, Too,” by Ebony Magazine, Kerr recalls learning that her male friend, who was
over six feet tall and gave off a facade of confidence, was being abused. All of these issues
entered the forefront of her mind when Yasmine Elder killed Darius Ellis in 2017, forcing him to
drink bleach. Kerr went on to express the dichotomy that male victims face due to how we view
Black men, as well as calling for the creation of safe spaces for them to seek the help they
need.
“We need to make sure we are open to what someone is saying and not negating their
experience by telling them they are allowing it to happen or laughing at them because of their
gender. The most detrimental thing you can do to someone who is attempting to share their pain
is to minimize, ridicule, or call them a names. We always claim we want the men in our lives to
be honest with us, but that cannot happen in an emotionally hostile or dismissive environment.
Abuse knows no color, race, age, ethnicity, socio-economic status, or gender,” Kerr said.
According to Analysis of Family Violence Fatalities in 2020 found that of the 228 Texans killed
by their intimate partners, 40 women killed their male partners, a 28% increase from 2018 and
2019, with 30% being Black.
The downplaying and ridicule male abuse victims face is something, according to Ryan
Thomas, Community Education Program Manager at Hope’s Door New Beginning Center,
linked to how children are socialized.
“From a young age, girls are taught to disregard their boundaries, or you have to let boys cross
if it’s because of love or affection, and boys were told, “stiff upper lip, don’t cry, you play like a
girl.” So, we’re taught from a young age to devalue women. Society wants us to be in the “man
box.” So, men are supposed to be dominant and aggressive and all this stuff. That sets up a
hierarchy already where one gender has power and control over the other. Essentially one’s
dominant, one’s submissive and that’s the exact power and control dynamics of an abusive
relationship. Society tells us that men should be dominant and women submissive. So, this
doesn’t line up with reality, that oftentimes men are abused. So, those gender stereotypes- we
know that the more than someone adheres to them more strictly, the more likely they are to be
accepting, abuse or violence in a relationship both as the abuser and as the victim as well,”
Thomas said.
In an article done by the World Economic Forum, Vanita Sundaram stated that among the young
people she spoke to about whether or not violence was unacceptable provided a variety of
responses, with them stating that men are innately violent. Women hitting men was seen as
“unproblematic,” with people arguing that women are physically weaker and frail (thus, their use
of violence was less significant).
“This distinction between different forms of violence makes wholesale prevention difficult. Given
that gender appears to be a primary influence on young people’s views on violence, schools
should prioritize teaching about equality between the genders in order to effectively challenge
the acceptance and justification of some forms of violent behavior,” Sundaram said.
The Effects of Domestic Violence On Men
Thomas points out that while the physical scars of the abuse men face will inevitably dissipate
the deeper wounds are emotional.
“The pain is temporary but being made to feel stupid, ugly, worthless, lazy. That lasts a whole
lifetime. And so that’s also minimized as men are not allowed to show emotions. So being made
to feel stupid or to wear this and lazy, doesn’t just show on the outside,” Thomas said.
In a paper titled, “Black Men’s Intimate Partner Violence Victimization, HelpSeeking, and
Barriers to Help-Seeking,” Meagan A. Stewart explains that for Black men, there’s pressure to
maintain “hegemonic masculinity” (the masculine ideal that society tells men to aspire to and the
standards against which men are compared). However, due to white supremacy, they can’t get
these masculine ideals and are instead stereotyped. Stewart argues that this leads to an
environment where Black men are less likely to be believed about their abuse.
“Men of Color are often unable to reach hegemonic masculine ideals due to white supremacy
embedded within these ideals (Connell & Messerschmidt, 2005; Romero, 2017). Black men
specifically have been stereotyped to be aggressive, hypersexual, routinely labeled as criminals
(Collins, 2009; Roth, 2004), and have a history of police, legal system, and medical
maltreatment (Griffith et al., 2011; Jaiswal & Halkitis, 2019). These contexts create an
environment where Black men may not seek IPV-related help when needed, and if they do, they
might experience disbelief by professionals and systems, and encounter police brutality as
assumed perpetrators (Fugate et al., 2005; Graham et al., 2020; Jaiswal & Halkitis, 2019),”
Stewart said.
According to Thomas, the effects of intimate partner violence on men range from physical
issues like a shortened life expectancy to mental health issues.
“Devastating losses to life expectancy and health, all sorts of physical ailments like Alzheimer’s,
and of course, cortisol and adrenaline, pumping through a system that can have not only those
physical effects which could be stomach issues. It could be complex PTSD, anxiety, depression
and self-destructive behaviors. I think the emotional toll that it takes, often, the deepest and then
the things that we can you know when we’re young filter, you know, forever retained a kind of,
you know, how we are going to react in future situations and so, the real tragedy of the year and
so, that gets passed down generations,” Thomas said.
As for what we can do both systemically and individually to help work against intimate partner
violence, Thomas states we should work to stop using gendered reasons for how we treat
others. He also states that when helping victims, we should focus on offering concern and
validation.
“The goal for anybody should be to show concern and validate. Hey, I see you, and I’m
concerned, I’m worried about your safety. Then how can I help you explore options and
resources? How can I support you in that endeavor, rather than saying, “you need to get out.”
Because what makes somebody a victim of abuse is that somebody is constantly telling them
what to do with that power and control. So even if we’re trying to be helpful to a loved one, and
say, “You need to get out, we’re disempowering them.” So really, it’s about understanding that
anybody can be a victim of abuse, it doesn’t discriminate- grandson’s abuse grandmother,
males abuse males. We don’t have to be experts in it. We just have to be compassionate
human beings,” he said.
The Mend Project refers to this as harmful, and backs Thomas’ statement, arguing that it can be
beneficial to the well being of the victim.
“On the other hand, providing much-needed emotional validation is easy to do and will go a long
way in helping the victim. Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding
and expressing acceptance of another person’s emotional experience. You do not need to
understand their emotional experience, agree with it, or know the facts behind it in order to
validate it,”
Thomas also states that women are not the main assailants, which leaves a gap in the abuse
that women perpetuate against men, which goes unnoticed.
“It’s more likely that for the women who do perpetrate violence against men, they’re not the
primary aggressors. That does leave, of course, this gaping hole of women who do use and are
violent towards men, right. They’ll oftentimes that’s not noticed, or it’s overshadowed because of
you know, the stigma. But I always just like to say, women do suffer disproportionately more,” he
said.
Hope for Change & Understanding
While Thomas hopes the recent Depp vs Heard defamation trial can shine a light on this issue,
he still does not see much change on the horizon.
“I think if any positive that could happen is that the recognition that this- whether it did or not
happen to whomever-it could happen to men, right? It can have just the same social,
psychological, emotional and social consequences. For the children, we cannot forget about the
kids who are witnessing this are going to be much more likely to grow up to be abusive or
victims themselves. But the short answer is no, I haven’t seen that stigma change much yet,” he
said.
Thomas states that we can better understand intimate partner violence than men are afflicted
with, we must better understand abuse as a whole.
“I think understanding that domestic abuse is about power and control and that it’s not about
why you stay or reasons to stay. It’s what are the barriers to leaving, right? Because only when
we can understand the whole power control dynamic, can we then understand the barriers? And
then can we find a pathway out of that forest,” he said.
Resources for Black Men Facing Domestic Violence:
Hotline Resource: thehotline.org/what-to-expect-when-you-contact-us
Shelters for Male Victims: FamilyPlace.org